User's Guide to Nara Shikamaru
by UnagiKeki
Summary: The complete, authoratative manual for your new Shikamaru interactive unit! Learn how to get the most from your purchase. Format by Theresa Green, and respectfully borrowed.


**AN: These are a real hit. XD I'm glad to carry on in the fashion of the great TheresaGreen, who invented this lovely format.**

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Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a new NARA SHIKAMARU interactive unit, the pinnacle of SNORLAX evolution. Your SHIKAMARU will provide hundreds of hours of entertainment (when he's not sleeping), but only if he's properly kept. It is suggested that you read through the following guide, to ensure

**Technical Specifications:**

Name: Shikamaru

Sex: Male

Likes: to sleep

Dislikes: Activity

Produced by Nara Shikaku and his nameless wife; licenced by My Little Genin Co., Konoha Cuddlers Division, Freeloader Section.

Your preassembled SHIKAMARU comes with:

- Fishnet outfit

- Detachable pineapple headpiece

- Folding Shougi set (It is not recommended that you bet money on any match)

- Anti-shock Padding Devices

The applications of this model are practically endless. A few helpful functions are listed here for your convenience:

- Ninja-ness: A brilliant tactician, SHIKAMARU can easily craft a way out of your everyday police chase, hard drive failure, or Akatsuki death match (see Unit Relations: Asuma).

- Laptop Warmer: Once parked in one of his various Sleep Modes, SHIKAMARU becomes a warm and spongy glop of love and body heat! Tuck him in your pocket for on-the-go Winter deflection.

- Pillow: Perfectly modeled for a minimum of movement, Shikamaru will sleep as long and as well as you while providing a soft surface to lay your head.

- Weight Watchers Defection Tool: Sick of being too thin? SHIKAMARU is the perfect enabler, given those some of his friends are fat people. You'll never be anorexic again.

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The following modes come pre-installed onto your SHIKAMARU:

Narcoleptic/Catatonia (default)

Cloud Watching

Weepy-yet-Responsible Guardian

'Shika-Shake'

Slash (locked)

By all preferences, SHIKAMARU will remain in Narcoleptic hibernation mode unless electrocuted or shaken awake and promised food. Inactivity is the primary function of this model, so any excess of sluggish should not cause alarm to the owner.

When forced awake, SHIKAMARU will wander about vaguely in Catatonia mode for a few minutes, before falling asleep in the middle of the floor unless other otherwise stimulated. Your SHIKAMARU comes with several pillows to fasten about his middle, so as to prevent injury when he falls.

In Cloud Watching mode, your SHIKAMARU will likely ignore anything you say. Lapses into Cloud Watching mode inevitably to activation of the Narcoleptic mode setting.

The painful death of SARUTOBI ASUMA units will unlock the matured, Guardian mode of your SHIKAMARU. In this setting, SHIKAMARU will feel the need to smoke excessively, regale you with angst tales, and touch Kurenai's baby bump obsessively. (Please remember that the model remains subject to reversion to Narcoleptic mode even so. SHIKAMARU should not be left unattended without his shock-guard protectors even in Guardian setting.)

_(For information on SHIKAMARU's slash mode, please do not consult fan fiction dot net. I could have never come up with some of the Shikamaru pairings there, and frankly I think it's best that they just languish unloved in the archives forever. Konoha Cuddlers recommends that you do not provoke the yaoi fan girls in any way, shape, or form.)_

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**Interactions With Other Units:**

UZUMAKI NARUTO: NARUTO units are useful for pushing SHIKAMARU off of high places and for guarding ROCK LEE units. Other practical uses for NARUTO, besides as an annoying main character and a job for Maile Flanagan, have yet to be discovered.

AKIMICHI CHOUJI: SHIKAMARUs are essential for sustaining the health of your CHOUJI unit, so it is recommended that you purchase these two together. SHIKAMARU has the innate desire to befriend and aid fat people, and has been reported rarely to shoplift Little Debbie snack cakes in order to gain their approval. This will also explain your SHIKAMARU's excessive desire to watch the cable television. (See FAQ)

SARUTOBI ASUMA: Your model absolutely needs an ASUMA, and we're not even trying to con you into buying a million of our products. ASUMA is essential for activating SHIKAMARU's Weepy-yet-Responsible Guardian Mode (but only with the concert purchase of a HIDAN model. And a KAKUZU. Okay, maybe we are trying to get you to buy a lot of them, after all.)

TEMARI: TEMARI is the most common activator of SHIKAMARU's slash mode, and will produce dozens of cute, little pineapple-head babies if left to their own devices. Alternate YAMANAKA INO and TAYUYA models can be substituted for a TEMARI and cost a lot less, considering that neither are in the anime long enough to develop any specific hooks (please remove TAYUYA'S Interactive Flute from the vicinity to ensure the safety of your SHIKAMARU.).

**Care and Keeping:**

SHIKAMARU must be coerced into doing anything besides sleeping and watching clouds. Have your SHIKAMARU's hair clipped every two months to prevent Bishounen Transformation, and do not allow him to eat him to eat too much sugar before bedtime (which is anytime for SHIKAMARU). Keep SHIKAMARU entertained in his waking hours with his Shougi set, or a Rubik's cube with two of the little squares switched (_That'll_ give him something to do).

**Disposal:**

You may eventually tire of the lack of interaction your SHIKAMARU provides, and wish to be rid of the responsibility of his care. In these instances, Konoha Cuddlers recommends purchasing any CD by the group The Beach Boys, and subjecting your SHIKAMARU to a slow, painful barrage of their 'music' via your iPod.

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**FAQ: **

Q: My SHIKAMARU unit is acting entirely differently than the manual says: he's bouncing off the walls and singing songs! What should I do?

A: Your SHIKAMARU unit has contrived a functional error, causing it to act OOC. Please capture the happy little guy in a cat kennel and ship him back to My Little Genin's processing plant for a complete refund.

Q: SHIKAMARU has been asleep for over 24 hours. Is this normal?

A: Yes.

Q: What if my SHIKAMARU unit takes a fall without his pillow-protectors on and injures himself?

A: Then you're a bad mommy, you bad mommy. We're gonna tell Child Services on you…

**Troubleshooting:**

Problem: SHIKAMARU seems unnerved by my ASUMA/GAARA/ROCK LEE/ITACHI model.

Solution: Make sure your model has not been tampered with by a yaoi fan girl and is now reprogrammed to harass your SHIKAMARU for fan service (See Slash Mode precautions).

Problem: My SHIKAMARU has been up for over 36 hours, watching reruns of 'The Biggest Loser'.

Solution: SHIKAMARU is likely missing his own chunky buddy. Consider purchasing a CHOUJI model to abate SHIKAMARU's loneliness.

Problem: SHIKAMARU will not stop Shika-Shaking.

Solution: Turn off the Swedish music, even though it's so wonderful. Swedish music has been shown to interfere with both SHIKAMARU and TOBI units, causing them to dance ceaselessly (this includes 'The Dota Song' and all variations of 'Carmelldansen').

With luck and a bit of love, your SHIKAMARU unit will continue to eat your food and do nothing productive for society for many years to come. SHIKAMARU carries a two-year warranty, which may be voided by rampaging SOUND NINJA models. Please see our website for more details.


End file.
